5 Exes Who Co-Parent Their Pets & How They Make It Work

Break-ups can be heartbreaking, even more so when there’s pets involved – especially now more of us are choosing to build our families with pets instead of babies. You’re still figuring out what your ‘new normal’ looks like and you don’t want your pets to be stressed with the upheaval too. 

You adopted a dog together, loved and nurtured them over the years, and now you don’t know what to do for the best? Will the dog be happy living between two houses? Can you even make that work? What about cats? Does divorce affect them too? Will they pick up on the emotional turmoil? 

We chatted to some exes who’ve made co-parenting pets work for the sake of their dogs and cats – their stories are filled with everything from the heartbreak to the practicalities, and how they’ve learned to listen to what their pets need most.

The exes who’ve made each other family for the sake of their dog

When writer Anna Sulan Masing and her ex got together, she already had Coco the cat. Jonah the dog came into the couple’s life two years into their relationship and turned them into a family. “He’s 11 now, an old dog with no teeth,” says Anna. 

When the couple split, Coco stayed with Anna, but Jonah spends his time between the exes; they have two ‘changeover’ days per week. “On Sunday mornings, we meet at the farmers’ market, get our groceries, have a coffee, then he’ll take the dog,” explains Anna. “On Tuesday evening, either I’ll go to him or he’ll come to me and we’ll watch a TV show together. Then the dog is with me.” They keep things flexible though. “If my ex has a night off and wants to pop over and see the dog, that’s fine,” says Anna. “And we split all of the bills.” Anna travels a lot, and when she goes away her ex will move into her flat to live with Coco and Jonah.

“The dog is such a homebody,” says Anna, “so although it took him a while to settle into my ex’s new flat, he loves it now.” And as far as her relationship with her ex goes, they’re still close. “It was a difficult break-up, both of our families are far away so we’re each other’s family – that’s important to keep because of the dog.”

The couple who thought a puppy could fix them

Mark and Rhi thought a puppy might bring them closer. “Mark and I grew up with dogs, so we’re dog people,” explains Rhi, who also works for a dog brand. “Mark had always wanted a Boxer, while I had my heart set on a Rottweiler.” Enter Reggie, a mix of the two.

From the start, it was supposed to be a “joint effort”, but like many things in “a failing relationship”, it didn’t pan out that way. “Reggie wasn’t easy, and the challenges put a strain on us,” says Rhi. “Having a difficult, reactive and large dog became a catalyst for arguments.” The couple would go on walks that ended in tears or shouting matches.

When Reggie was three, Rhi and Mark broke up after five years together – but they both wanted Reggie in their lives. “So on days I went into the office, I’d drop Reggie off at my ex’s and pick him up a few days later,” Rhi explains. But that arrangement wasn’t always easy to manage and a more regimented plan was needed.

A week-on/week-off system seemed to work. “Reggie adjusted well to living part-time with each of us,” says Rhi. Over time, though, things shifted. “As my ex’s personal and professional life changed, with redundancy etc, I had Reggie, while he took him every other weekend or when I’m on holiday,” says Rhi – who also now has full financial responsibility – “which is challenging as Reggie is 46kg with a massive appetite!”

“If Reggie were an easier dog, I’d have preferred a clean break,” says Rhi (who also wishes they’d thought about the break-up scenario before it actually happened), “but life doesn’t always go to plan.” And although there will always be sources of tension, Rhi has learned to let go. The biggest challenge has been balancing what’s best for Reggie with their own emotional struggles. 

Their new compromise is meeting for walks together – “it’s been surprisingly nice”. Rhi likes being able to share the stress of handling Reggie with someone who truly understands – “it can be a relief,” she explains. “We’ve managed to establish a new relationship and, dare I say it, a friendship.” 

The cat co-parents

When writer and podcast producer Brandi Neal met Amy, their cats fell in love too. “Ted was beside himself when Amy’s cats — first Bam Bam, and after she died, Ziji — wanted to play with him. It was like watching a feline love story unfold.” But when the couple broke up, they didn’t even think about sharing the cats – until they realised how miserable they were without each other, “Ted was so depressed he stopped eating,” says Brandi. As the split had been on good terms, the pair decided to co-parent the cats. “Swapovers were stressful because they don’t love riding in the car. But as soon as they got to one home or the other, they settled in like they’d always been there.”

In terms of practicalities, Amy and Brandi both have litter boxes, beds, dishes, food and toys at their homes. But as Amy makes more money than Brandi, Amy contributes more to the financial part of taking care of the cats. “If there was something she insisted they have, such as pet insurance, she paid for it,” explains Brandi.

Now Ted’s 18 so he’s gone into retirement and lives back with Brandi full time, while Ziji is with Amy. “I adopted a new dog and Ziji hated him. She started peeing on all of his stuff and it was clear she was very stressed,” says Brandi. “This time being split up hasn’t seemed to affect them at all. Ziji is now an only child living like a queen and Ted is an old man.”

Heartbreak makes it harder 

James’s split from his wife was sudden and dramatic; she moved out of their house and left James with the dog. They decided James would keep Biggy – after all, he’d been the one who’d pushed for a dog. “But after the initial shock, emotions calmed down and it was clear Biggy would be in both our lives.” 

James and his ex stayed in the same area to begin with, but more recently it’s become harder as they’ve moved further apart. Now, it’s a two weeks on, two weeks off scenario, shifting when needed for holidays or work. Financially, the agreement is that when James has Biggy, he’s his responsibility – and vice versa. “So if I need daycare, I’ll foot the bill,” explains James. “Same goes for the vets. But in terms of groomers, we split that on a case by case basis.” The other agreement is that they’ll always feed Biggy the same meals at the same time, and have the same routine for walks. “It makes it seamless when we swap.”

James says Biggy really struggled at first. “He could feel the sadness; the stress and anxiety that comes with a separation,” he says. “His mood was low. Now, he’s doing well, both myself and my ex are happy and settled, and he’s noticeably happier.” But James says it’s hard having Biggy connect them still. The worst part is the sadness James feels when Biggy isn’t there. “It’s like you grieve every couple of weeks when you hand him over,” says James. It’s a “deep emptiness”, that James just can’t shake – even knowing that Biggy is safe with his ex.

The exes who became friends 

When Lou started working for a rescue centre, she knew she wanted to adopt a dog. ”My ex was reluctant at first,” says Lou, but then they met Chewie and fell in love. “He’s a Pomeranian mix, but he's a big boy – 14kg – so I call him my giant pom.”

Lou thinks that sharing parental duties for Chewie has eased them through the break-up. “Hal and I are unique in the closeness that we've managed to keep,” she says. “We’re best friends and still talk everyday. We root for each other and chat about the ins and outs of dating in our 30s. I don't know if we would have managed that without the connection of Chewie. We would still be friends, but maybe not as close as we are today.”

As far as practicalities go, Lou and Hal didn’t sign a ‘petnup’ or anything legal (more on that later). “We just have a calendar that we keep all our dates in,” says Lou. “And Chewie is in on it, too. If the schedule changes, he looks quizzically at me as if to say ‘but it’s the wrong day to go to Dad’s!’”

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Should you get a ‘petnup’?

When couples separate, determining the future of their pets can be challenging. Joanna Newton, Partner at Stowe Family Law who has overseen many a divorce when pets are involved, emphasises that “pets aren’t just a commitment, but members of the family.” Legally, pets are considered personal property or ‘chattel,’ meaning the registered owner typically retains custody. However, courts are increasingly considering factors such as who has cared for the animal, paid vet bills and where the pet considers their home to be.

“There are a number of different outcomes for the pet when a couple separates, including shared care, individual care or rehoming. How this works is usually down to the couple and how amicable they are,” says Joanna. “If you end up needing court intervention, the court can transfer ownership and make financial orders, which means one person has to provide maintenance payments. Although this might seem scary, and the thought of losing your pet too much, there are measures you can take.”

To mitigate potential disputes, you could consider a ‘petnup’ – an agreement akin to a pre-nuptial agreement that outlines the care of pets in the event of a separation. Joanna notes that while not legally binding, courts are likely to give weight to such agreements, as they acknowledge the value of pets and can prevent unwanted outcomes during divorce or separation.

The Blue Cross offers a free Pet Nup document on their website, designed to help pet owners plan for their pets’ futures and avoid heartache should a relationship end. This agreement focuses on pet welfare and encourages owners to think about their beloved pets when planning for the future.